hey you. :D
Hey you?! Happiness? I’m knocking on your door! Open up!
Balance. I’m both happy and sad.
Sad ’cause of all the crap that’s happened to me this year. I got really sick, I had personal probelms and I DO MEAN personal problems of all sort. It’s like, everything just hit me at the same time. I could no longer stand.
I thank God for giving me my christmas wish. The pain lessened. I kept thinking about the things I’ve been thinking all these days. There’s always one person in it.. and everyone knows who that is. Thank God I”m no longer crying every minute.. just when I stare blankly into deep space. my tears just automatically drop out of my eyes. even without thinking. I think this is better. I hope next year i will no longer cry for him.
I’ve hurt a lot of people and a lot have hurt me as well. But this is the most serious depression I’ve ever been in. He said he knows I’m strong. But what he doesn’t know it that, he’s my weakness. I can be strong when it comes to everything else. but not to him. God, if only he knew.. If only he’d seen everything I’ve done to make him realize. But he was blind. And I was stupid. Stupid to think that he’s as strong as I am in waiting. Too naive to think that maybe THIS time, he would finally keep his promise. I guess every promise made was just as a lie as the others. It pains me to think that I was never enough. I’m just like the other 7. I’m no different. No! I’m worse. He NEVER cheated on them. And he lied to me twice. he looked for someone else. twice. I guess that sums it up. I was NEVER ENOUGH. The only thing keeping me from being neurotic is my promise to him. That I will try to be happy for him, to move on and to take care of myself.
I now understand that I have to leave him behind. He let go of me. He wants to be left behind. He no longer wants to be in my future. He just hitched the ride and decided to go on a different direction. Someone else’s direction. I guess he didn’t like my ride and hers is better for him.
But life has to move on. I guess he was just my training level. And so was I to him. So that he’ll never make the mistakes he made with me to his new love. Lucky her.
And God wants me to be ready for that someone I’m going to be happy with. someone who will love me for me and because his love is unconditional. Someone who will be loyal, will never cheat or lie to me. Someone with good future, who will provide for us, responsible and a perfect family man.
For now, God is just training me to be deserving for him.
WHEN WE FINALLY FIND EACH OTHER, I WILL NEVER LET GO OF YOU..
Till then, I will patiently await your arrival.. my prince.
