dearCelisse

That’s what i have to show everyone. I have to look happy..

It hurts. It really hurts that your life or the man you’re deeply in love with is dating your longtime friend.

I’m depressed that they would have never met if it weren’t for me. They wouldn’t have liked each other if she wasn’t trying to fix our relationship. The guy got tired of me. He found comfort in her.

I know I shouldn’t feel like this but.. I feel totally REJECTED and BETRAYED. I’m just being honest.

If you ask me, I don’t want them together. Of all the guys, why the man I love? Of all the girls, why my close friend? But hey, since before we were together I was already jealous about her. She was just too close with my boyfriend. Now my ex. But I didn’t mind because she’s very close with all my friends boyfriends. I guess being with someone all the time makes you fall for that person. HONESTLY, I’m not very comfortable with this. I’m NOT cool with this.

But they’re happy with each other. How can you take happiness away from people? It’s not ok. But when it involves two people you love, you have to sacrifice your own happiness. Give way. It’s two against one. It doesn’t matter if I’m feeling like hell right now. As long as they’re happy. At least two out of three are happy.

Problem: how can I face them? everytime I look at him, I cry. What about seeing them together? I don’t know. I’d probably die.

KEEP IT TOGETHER GIRL! You’re not weak! You can do this.. Just because you can’t look at these two doesn’t mean you have to lock yourself away from your other friends as well! 

Just keep a straight face.. Show them everything is alright. That you’re ok. You are not affected by them. It doesn’t bother you. SO WHAT if they’re together? 

RIGHT?

Sigh. I’m a strong girl. I can take care of myself.

I would like to send all my love to my friends who were there when I badly needed company and when I was almost having an emotional breakdown.. They almost took me to the hospital.. hahaha

Dria, Ella, Careh, Aline, Migs, Luigi, Macky, Khay, Chabz, Abby, Gab, Chi, Elaine, Dwight, Dave, Lizzie, Pasol..

I had fun at the charity thingy we had at Caloocan with the deaf (ano ba spelling?) kids.. I totally forgot about all the hurt and was glad we gave smiles to these people.. i know how to say “merry christmas to you” in sign language.. Yay me!

Jann, Toni and Denise, for asking me how I was.. I really appreciate that.. I love you guys!

To God, please help me through this. If he’s not the one, let my love for him fade away. And please take the feeling of rejection, betrayal and hurt as well and that I may be able to face them with straight eye contact and head held high without lying to them and to myself as well.

I LOVE YOU GOD. “You are my EVERYTHING”. ALWAYS and FOREVER

Being happy is a big deal for me these past few days..

How am I going to get through this? I feel worse than before. I feel like I’ve been played, made to believe something that’s not real. Worse than being cheated. Or maybe it WAS real, but I just believed too much.. Thought it was going to last longer.

I still find myself staring into deep space sometimes. Like my brain just hit the reset button and I’m back to reality again.. It doesn’t feel good. It hurts. But I have to be ok with it. It’s gone, along with our friendship. Yeah, ending it was his idea. Ending our friendship was mine..

Some people are ok with the idea of friendship after something else, but I’m not. I thought I was going to be ok with it. I tried to be cool. But the moment he said he doesn’t feel that way any longer, it just hit me. I CAN’T do this. I can’t fake being ok. I can’t face him and smile like it doesn’t matter. I can’t look at him and not get hurt.

Shit! I hate myself. I shouldn’t even be feeling like this. I’m lucky to have my friends. Why do I have to look for something else when a lot of people love me? I’ve got lodes of friends who are willing to share all the good times with me. I have to stop this feeling. I need to get rid of this. I don’t want to feel hurt again. I shouldn’t. If he’s happy like that, I should be happy for him. Never mind how I feel.. Oh yes I’m bitter. I know it’s wrong. But I’m just keeping it real. I’ll get over this someday. Soon hopefully. It’s not easy, but with my friends with me, I know I can. MIND OVER MATTER! That was my motto even before I met him. It’s time I bring back the tough me.. The wise me. The “they should be the one crying and crawling over me” girl. I’ll heal.. I know I will.

I’m independent. Fairy tales may not be true. But anyone can be happy in the right time. I hope someday I’ll find my true happiness..

yeah. everybody does leave, however you look at it, people always end up leaving you. Sometimes its a good thing: when that someone is such a pain in the ass and a complete bastard. But things are different when you’re talking about someone you love. It’s not easy. Losing your friends to other people already hurts a lot.. Losing someone you really love, like a family or someone special, which you gave your whole heart to is worse. I bet you already know that. It starts with a toddler being left behind by his/her parents at the start of preschool. These kids cry because they think they will never see their parents again. Crushing the promise that they will never leave you. Of course, this is just an example. They don’t leave you for good. But it feels like hell for their age.

As we mature, we feel other pain. Other people come, then they leave with a part of you. Until nothing’s left for yourself. They have left a huge hole which you struggle to fill by yourself. You won’t let other people in for the fear of losing more of yourself to them. You finally stop trusting and doubting about their promises to stay with you and never leave you.

There are people who plays with your feelings. One minute, they’re there, then they’re gone, they come back and then leave once again. It just repeats again and again. Wake up girl! Enough is enough. Don’t be stupid and let it happen to you again! Ergo, stop believing! Fairy tales are not true and there are no such thing as a “happily ever after”

Sometimes, it’s better to be alone than to have other people with you. Loving yourself will save you from getting hurt. I say no more. no more to the lies of other people and the never ending pain that they leave behind.

Some might say I’m a bitter girl. I’m only cautious. It’s better to be bitter than to be stupid.. Think twice.