dearCelisse

Hey you?! Happiness? I’m knocking on your door! Open up!

Balance. I’m both happy and sad.

Sad ’cause of all the crap that’s happened to me this year. I got really sick, I had personal probelms and I DO MEAN personal problems of all sort. It’s like, everything just hit me at the same time. I could no longer stand.

I thank God for giving me my christmas wish. The pain lessened. I kept thinking about the things I’ve been thinking all these days. There’s always one person in it.. and everyone knows who that is. Thank God I”m no longer crying every minute.. just when I stare blankly into deep space. my tears just automatically drop out of my eyes. even without thinking. I think this is better. I hope next year i will no longer cry for him.

I’ve hurt a lot of people and a lot have hurt me as well. But this is the most serious depression I’ve ever been in. He said he knows I’m strong. But what he doesn’t know it that, he’s my weakness. I can be strong when it comes to everything else. but not to him. God, if only he knew.. If only he’d seen everything I’ve done to make him realize. But he was blind. And I was stupid. Stupid to think that he’s as strong as I am in waiting. Too naive to think that maybe THIS time, he would finally keep his promise. I guess every promise made was just as a lie as the others. It pains me to think that I was never enough. I’m just like the other 7. I’m no different. No! I’m worse. He NEVER cheated on them. And he lied to me twice. he looked for someone else. twice. I guess that sums it up. I was NEVER ENOUGH. The only thing keeping me from being neurotic is my promise to him. That I will try to be happy for him, to move on and to take care of myself.

I now understand that I have to leave him behind. He let go of me. He wants to be left behind. He no longer wants to be in my future. He just hitched the ride and decided to go on a different direction. Someone else’s direction. I guess he didn’t like my ride and hers is better for him.

But life has to move on. I guess he was just my training level. And so was I to him. So that he’ll never make the mistakes he made with me to his new love. Lucky her.

And God wants me to be ready for that someone I’m going to be happy with. someone who will love me for me and because his love is unconditional. Someone who will be loyal, will never cheat or lie to me. Someone with good future, who will provide for us, responsible and a perfect family man.

For now, God is just training me to be deserving for him. 

WHEN WE FINALLY FIND EACH OTHER, I WILL NEVER LET GO OF YOU..

Till then, I will patiently await your arrival.. my prince.

I clarified everything today with the both of them. Denise was with me. It hurt me to see the way he looked at her. It was the same way he looked at me. I couldn’t stand being with just the two of them so I usually would just roam around and play with the dog, or talk to his mom or his brother. I just gave them privacy so they could do whatever they want with each other.

Everything that happened before was all wrong. He admitted it. But looks like he got away with it. (no offense) I can get mad at him, but not for too long. I can get mad, but no matter how much he hurt me like this, it’s such a wonder why i can’t hate him. And after all the pain he’d cost me, I still ended up being ok with him.

When I was about to go home, i felt that things have changed. I gave him a one last big hug. Before, I would just hug him whenever I wanted to, now, I had to ask my friend if I could. He still smelled the same. The same scent that I love, the scent that I keep remembering even though he’s nowhere near me. He used to “shower” himself with that perfume because he knew I loved it. I guess my friend likes it as well because he still wearing the same perfume.

I also found out he didn’t change his phone password. It was still the same, and it still had my picture in there. The others were deleted though. To him: sorry, i was just curious. And don’t worry, it won’t stop me from getting over. I was just glad that you kept it. Really, I appreciated that cause I guess it means you still remember me. At least in that little way, I can stay you still cared as a friend and for the years we shared. Thank you.

So here I am, alone. I can’t say I’m ok now. It still hurts, but seeing them happy.. I just had to walk away. He told me, if I really do still love him, I will just move on and take care of myself. It’s true. I still do love him. So that’s what I’m going to do. I would do anything he asks me to.

Someday, I will get over this. Hopefully, next year will be better.

THANK YOU DENISE! THANK YOU BESTY! Sobrang I love you! Thanks dahil sinamahan mo ako and for the unending comfort.

It’s christmas. The best christmas gift is FORGIVENESS.

That’s what i have to show everyone. I have to look happy..

It hurts. It really hurts that your life or the man you’re deeply in love with is dating your longtime friend.

I’m depressed that they would have never met if it weren’t for me. They wouldn’t have liked each other if she wasn’t trying to fix our relationship. The guy got tired of me. He found comfort in her.

I know I shouldn’t feel like this but.. I feel totally REJECTED and BETRAYED. I’m just being honest.

If you ask me, I don’t want them together. Of all the guys, why the man I love? Of all the girls, why my close friend? But hey, since before we were together I was already jealous about her. She was just too close with my boyfriend. Now my ex. But I didn’t mind because she’s very close with all my friends boyfriends. I guess being with someone all the time makes you fall for that person. HONESTLY, I’m not very comfortable with this. I’m NOT cool with this.

But they’re happy with each other. How can you take happiness away from people? It’s not ok. But when it involves two people you love, you have to sacrifice your own happiness. Give way. It’s two against one. It doesn’t matter if I’m feeling like hell right now. As long as they’re happy. At least two out of three are happy.

Problem: how can I face them? everytime I look at him, I cry. What about seeing them together? I don’t know. I’d probably die.

KEEP IT TOGETHER GIRL! You’re not weak! You can do this.. Just because you can’t look at these two doesn’t mean you have to lock yourself away from your other friends as well! 

Just keep a straight face.. Show them everything is alright. That you’re ok. You are not affected by them. It doesn’t bother you. SO WHAT if they’re together? 

RIGHT?

Sigh. I’m a strong girl. I can take care of myself.

I would like to send all my love to my friends who were there when I badly needed company and when I was almost having an emotional breakdown.. They almost took me to the hospital.. hahaha

Dria, Ella, Careh, Aline, Migs, Luigi, Macky, Khay, Chabz, Abby, Gab, Chi, Elaine, Dwight, Dave, Lizzie, Pasol..

I had fun at the charity thingy we had at Caloocan with the deaf (ano ba spelling?) kids.. I totally forgot about all the hurt and was glad we gave smiles to these people.. i know how to say “merry christmas to you” in sign language.. Yay me!

Jann, Toni and Denise, for asking me how I was.. I really appreciate that.. I love you guys!

To God, please help me through this. If he’s not the one, let my love for him fade away. And please take the feeling of rejection, betrayal and hurt as well and that I may be able to face them with straight eye contact and head held high without lying to them and to myself as well.

I LOVE YOU GOD. “You are my EVERYTHING”. ALWAYS and FOREVER

Being happy is a big deal for me these past few days..

How am I going to get through this? I feel worse than before. I feel like I’ve been played, made to believe something that’s not real. Worse than being cheated. Or maybe it WAS real, but I just believed too much.. Thought it was going to last longer.

I still find myself staring into deep space sometimes. Like my brain just hit the reset button and I’m back to reality again.. It doesn’t feel good. It hurts. But I have to be ok with it. It’s gone, along with our friendship. Yeah, ending it was his idea. Ending our friendship was mine..

Some people are ok with the idea of friendship after something else, but I’m not. I thought I was going to be ok with it. I tried to be cool. But the moment he said he doesn’t feel that way any longer, it just hit me. I CAN’T do this. I can’t fake being ok. I can’t face him and smile like it doesn’t matter. I can’t look at him and not get hurt.

Shit! I hate myself. I shouldn’t even be feeling like this. I’m lucky to have my friends. Why do I have to look for something else when a lot of people love me? I’ve got lodes of friends who are willing to share all the good times with me. I have to stop this feeling. I need to get rid of this. I don’t want to feel hurt again. I shouldn’t. If he’s happy like that, I should be happy for him. Never mind how I feel.. Oh yes I’m bitter. I know it’s wrong. But I’m just keeping it real. I’ll get over this someday. Soon hopefully. It’s not easy, but with my friends with me, I know I can. MIND OVER MATTER! That was my motto even before I met him. It’s time I bring back the tough me.. The wise me. The “they should be the one crying and crawling over me” girl. I’ll heal.. I know I will.

I’m independent. Fairy tales may not be true. But anyone can be happy in the right time. I hope someday I’ll find my true happiness..

yeah. everybody does leave, however you look at it, people always end up leaving you. Sometimes its a good thing: when that someone is such a pain in the ass and a complete bastard. But things are different when you’re talking about someone you love. It’s not easy. Losing your friends to other people already hurts a lot.. Losing someone you really love, like a family or someone special, which you gave your whole heart to is worse. I bet you already know that. It starts with a toddler being left behind by his/her parents at the start of preschool. These kids cry because they think they will never see their parents again. Crushing the promise that they will never leave you. Of course, this is just an example. They don’t leave you for good. But it feels like hell for their age.

As we mature, we feel other pain. Other people come, then they leave with a part of you. Until nothing’s left for yourself. They have left a huge hole which you struggle to fill by yourself. You won’t let other people in for the fear of losing more of yourself to them. You finally stop trusting and doubting about their promises to stay with you and never leave you.

There are people who plays with your feelings. One minute, they’re there, then they’re gone, they come back and then leave once again. It just repeats again and again. Wake up girl! Enough is enough. Don’t be stupid and let it happen to you again! Ergo, stop believing! Fairy tales are not true and there are no such thing as a “happily ever after”

Sometimes, it’s better to be alone than to have other people with you. Loving yourself will save you from getting hurt. I say no more. no more to the lies of other people and the never ending pain that they leave behind.

Some might say I’m a bitter girl. I’m only cautious. It’s better to be bitter than to be stupid.. Think twice.

i don’t like it when people break their promises, breaks someone’s heart, break their trust and break everything else that person’s holding on to. My whole life, a lot of people have broken their promises to me. Some still consistently do it.  don’t know why i even bother to believe their promises even though they’ve broken a thousand already. Maybe I’m just an ignorant girl who still hopes that someday, these people would really change and for once, hold on to their promises. People change. I know that. It’s just that it’s hard and tiresome to always believe in everything they say, pray that it’s true when eventually, they’ll just slap it on your face with a big “I’m stupid” mark on your forehead. You’ll end up getting hurt but after some time, you go believe once again. It’s foolish ’cause that’s all you do. Why? because you love these people. You don’t want them to go. Neither do you want to leave them behind. Maybe that’s why you can tolerate being the “stupid” girl you’ll always be. Sad, but true. Then again, you just have to be ok with that.. there’s nothing else you can do, ’cause you’re trapped.

I’m really sad right now. But I have to be ok with it. There’s nothing else I can do.

ang dami palang typo errors ng mga blog ko..hahaha! Para tuloy wrong grammar yung ibang sentences ko… Just don’t mind them.

It’s so hard to act happy when you know deep inside you’re very hurt. It’s hard to act like its ok when it’s really not. It’s hard to accept the fact that you have to sacrifice a lot and lower your pride just to make someone happy. Pretend nothing’s wrong. Pretend you’re not getting hurt. Pretend everything’s ok. Some things are better unsaid to prevent arguments. Don’t worry, time will come and you will be valued and you’ll be happy again. No worries. Good karma will come…

HATE. hate. Hate. hATE!!!!

HATE.. HATE..hAtE..haTe..HAte..

haTE..hAte..hatE..hate..HATE..

Hate..hate..hate..hate..hATE..

HATE..HAte..hate..hAte!

I hate people who change to their bad side. It’s a pity how they don’t care for themselves. Kung wala silang pakialam sa sarili nila, sana may pakialam naman sila sa mararamdaman ng ibang tao pag nakikita silang ganun diba? Why can’t other people just get that? Be GOOD lalo na sa sarili mo. How can you be good to others if you can’t even take care of yourself. Also, there are other people whom you just don’t understand. Even though you’ve explained it a thousand times, they’d still push on their side. It’s like, you’ve been talking for ages and non of them got through their heads. ALl they care about is how miserable they think their life is. Then they hide themselves somewhere. Their whole life revolves around one object. Yeah, it’s not even a person. it’s an OBJECT. talk about obsession about someTHING. How can people be like that? They shove away someone who used to be special to them because they’re having fun with someone else.. They don’t care and yet they ask for something in return? Talk about being unfair. Then they get mad at you for something without knowing it was a sin you did.

Worse is, they BLAME it ALL on YOU! Take note of those three words… blame.. all..you.. WOAH! How great can they be? Plus, they even curse you and tries to replace you so they would forget about you. Sometimes, you just think it will never work out. Because someone has changed. Someone has given up. Someone doesn’t care anymore. Even though they say they do, they won’t show it because they won’t lower their pride for you. To you, you’re just a speck. "I should be the one to follow now". If you ask them what they want, they just tell you, "Figure it out for yourself". Sure, DIE of thinking what it is.. "I don’t care".. hahaha sigh.. Sometimes, you just don’t know what to do with people like that.

You want to understand them, but it seems like they don’t want to be understood. You want to get close to them, but they don’t want you near. Then they say otherwise. GOSH! It’s so hard to read their minds..

This goes for girls and yes, GUYS as well. Don’t make your loved ones a hard time to get close to you. Or even those you don’t love. You should even appreciate them caring for you despite the actions that you’ve been showing them. You might regret doing so.

Ciao everyone..^,^